A Theory On Why We’ll All Be Okay

After a week of nights where I spent hours giggling over my phone, then staying up late, then talking ad nauseum about friends she had not met, my fiance politely, calmly, in a way that seems neither of those things, asked that I abandon twitter and concentrate on her. Being the kind, warmhearted gent that I am, I argued about it for a few weeks, and then I saw that I was actually hurting her, and I made my exit.

Cut to years later, when I left the household, a month went by, and I came back to twitter in full regalia and in no time rebuilt my life around a few friends I already had and a bunch of new friends I made through the social media network in question.

SO?  

Life is so full of surprises. There was a time when she thought that we would fall apart because I wouldn’t give her what she needed. I thought it was stupid to think that we would fall apart because I had friends that I cared about, and she was being horrible and selfish.

TIME MAKES FOOLS OF US ALL, FRIENDS. Turns out, I was the one being horrible and selfish (sadly, not the last time) and we DID fall apart because I couldn’t give her what she needed.

YEAH, BUT…SO?

Being a friend to my friends is the singular greatest thing I have ever accomplished. I’ve made mistakes, let people fall through the cracks, and been rawther dickish, but I think I’ve also helped.

I’ve made people feel better on dark, lonely nights. I’ve hugged a hundred people (occasionally I’ve also done strange chestbumps with guys so as to seem manly). I have a few friends I can tell literally anything to, and they to me.

Not being dramatic at all, if the world were to end tomorrow, or even if just I was to stop living, I know I did something good. Something that I couldn’t fuck up enough to ruin, no matter how much I got lazy and let it fall away.

I’ve…I’ve done something good. With my time on Earth. I made someone smile.

Now, tomorrow, I’ll wonder what it was all for and feel useless, but today, I feel this in my bones.

SO….SO WHAT?

If you think of it this way…you could argue that if this is the one good thing I’ve done, it was my purpose. The plan for my life.

Further…if I was still married, I wouldn’t have been there to help the people I have. I wouldn’t have been there to love them like I do every day, even on the days when I hate the world and I don’t think anything I’ve ever done is worth the energy put into making me a human.

I do love you. All. Every one of you who read this, and even those who haven’t gotten around to it or weren’t turned on by my prose.

Being your friend has been more fulfilling than a hundred crushes or sexual relationships or doomed romances. I still want those things sometimes (not the doomed ones), and I like holding and being held and kissing too much to think I’ll just be satisfied with, you know, counseling text messages forever. But I kinda suck at those, historically.

Being a good guy to talk to? I’m pretty good at that.

So, if the plan God had laid out for me was to be a good friend, if this is how I can help the world…

Then my marriage falling apart wasn’t a loss. It was a necessary change.

There was so much stupid in me, then. So much unthinking, cold….not JUST me, but y’see, I do see my part in it. I’m not excusing anything that I did. Nothing can make it not BE.

But maybe this is why it all happened, in a way.

And if you start there, maybe that’s why there’s a plan in everything.

Wouldn’t it be funny if all the bad things that happen to us turned out to make all the good things possible?

It’s possible that I’m making big things out of small things, but that’s what I’m going with tonight.

 

On a side note, my final court date is next Tuesday. Perhaps I’m looking for reason in a cloud of confusion. But thank you, all, for still reading. And for letting me love you.

(Also, if you are reading this and wouldn’t mind testing out a doomed relationship with me, I may be game. Catch me at the right time.)